It’s been 13 years since I embarked on my first ‘diet’ or ‘weight loss’ regimen. THIRTEEN YEARS.
13 years of thinking about my body image constantly, meticulously counting calories, weighing my food, going to bed hungry, not eating past 6pm, over training, picking myself apart in the mirror, yo-yo-ing with my weight, obsessing over the number on the scale, preaching about ‘health’ but realistically being anything but healthy, following fitness influencer’s that just made me pick myself apart, missing out on social occasions, preaching about zero calorie or volume foods, making my family & friends worried & feeling insecure around anyone and everyone because I felt ‘fat’.
THIRTEEN YEARS of NEVER truly being happy with how I looked.
Looking at things at that level, makes me feel really sorry for younger Louise. Now, I can’t imagine stopping eating at 6pm when my stomach is rumbling for food. I can’t imagine doing 60 minutes of HIIT intervals on a treadmill. I can’t imagine people in the gym coming over to me to tell me I should ‘slow down’ so I don’t waste away, when all I wanted was to see 7 stone on the scale. I can’t imagine having a mass panic at a last minute social occasion, having to scour the menu for the lowest calorie option. I can’t imagine weighing and prepping every single meal to within an inch of it’s life. I can’t imagine using My Fitness Pal, or calculating my macros. I can’t imagine prepping for a bikini show. I can’t imagine preaching to people about the fact I could ‘feel’ my abs coming through and my ribs sticking out. I can’t imagine going home & crying because I had to eat cake on my birthday. I can’t imagine grating a courgette into my oats because it will give me more volume. I can’t imagine carrying body weight scales everywhere I went if I was staying away from home. I can’t imagine carrying a tankard jug of water around with me everywhere.
It’s CRAZY that all of the above, was GENUINELY my life not even that long ago.
It’s CRAZY that some of those tendencies may never truly leave me, but they are fading slowly but surely with every day that passes.
Now, I can go out for dinner & NOT have to check the menu in advance, and I can choose what I want (whether that’s a salad, or a boat load of cheese on pasta), I can eat food from wherever I want to, and not worry if it’s 100% organic or ‘good’ for me. I can eat chocolate right before bed & not fear it. I can eat more than 100% dark chocolate that tastes like ass & learn moderation or choose to over indulge. I can have a whole day of not eating a vegetable & only convenience food & simply get back to it the next day. I can take a rest day & not beat myself up over it. I can eat cake on my birthday, and anyone else’s birthday for that matter. I can train how I want to train, and not how I feel ‘I should’. I can look at myself in the mirror and not constantly pick myself apart, or focus on things I want to change.
I’m learning to live my life without the confinements I put around myself for so many years. I’m actively choosing to work on the issues I still have that have plagued me for so long.
It’s not a quick process, and neither is it easy, but the mental and physical freedom is worth every ounce of struggle to see light at the end of the tunnel.
Wherever you are in your own journey, whether that’s recovery, teaching yourself new healthy habits for your mind and soul, never ever give up, it’s always going to be worth it.
LJ: Healthy Mind & Body 