I have always been very honest about my ‘journey’ with health & fitness over the years, and quite detailed about where my distorted relationship with food began (hello weight watchers at 18!). However, I reached a milestone birthday last week, and it got me reflecting on the past 10 years of my ‘fitness’ life (alongside cover-19 UK quarantine providing a lot more time being at home). I’ve broken it down into parts, so I can put as much detail in as possible.
I think it can seem like most peoples fitness journey’s are very linear. You want to lose weight, you lose the weight, stabilise, and live the happy ‘fit’ ever after life. That didn’t happen for me, and I wanted to touch on something I haven’t vocalised a great amount across my social media….my life with an eating disorder. I am going into quite personal detail about the bad habits and tendencies I had, so please do not read if you feel you will be triggered.
There are key moments in my life that I will always remember, and my 23rd birthday is one of these. Not for the age, or even that I had a huge celebration, but for the sheer fact that there is a moment on this day when I realised how truly unwell I was, and how strained my relationship with food & myself had become.
My best friend of 10 years had brought me to a cafe that we often went to in the evenings (G&D’s, amazing), and it was a mini birthday celebration. Now at this point I was SO deep into my fitness and restrictive eating, that I would usually only get a green tea. Not for the glowing health benefits, but because it had no calories, and it was 8pm, I couldn’t possibly eat or drink anything else at 8pm! I had a strict ‘no food after 6pm’ rule (my heart aches for 23 year old Louise). Now today was different, it was a special occasion, and my friend surprised me with a slice of cake. I remember seeing him walk across the room, slice of cake in hand, and instantly being filled with dread. What are the macros? How many calories is that? It’s so late, I can’t eat now. – Macro’s & weighing & tracking my food is a WHOLE other post coming soon.
So I am sat there, with this slice of cake in front of me, my friend smiling away at me wishing me happy birthday, and all I am worrying about is that I have to sit there and eat this, and then spend hours, if not days, worrying about the effects it would have on my ‘progress’. I vividly remember going home where I still lived with my parents, and bursting into tears on my Mum because I had to eat that cake.
It was that moment that I knew I needed help.
My relationship with food had become so skewed. I was obsessed with ‘eating clean’ to the point that even now when I hear ‘influencers’ say those words, I feel a twinge inside, and hate that they are spreading that message still. I ate between 1,000 – 1,200 calories per day, and never a calorie more. I would stop eating at 6pm each day, often feeling absolutely ravenous, and forcing myself to go to sleep at 7.30/8 so I could eat again in the morning. I was massively over training, often 2 times per day if I could. I was a runner back then, knee deep into half marathon training, often burning 800 calories or more per session, and I would often go to the gym ‘fuelled’ by a plate of vegetables and a small serving of cottage cheese.
I would do 1 minute intervals on the treadmill for an hour, then some ab work, and then maybe some light weights.
I was wasting away to nothing, and I still didn’t think I looked good enough.
I thought I was the epitome of health, and I would talk about fitness and health all the time. To the outside world, I had lost a load of weight, and seemingly gained this ‘balanced’ life in the process. That couldn’t have been further from the truth. Yes, I had lost weight, but I had such a distorted view of food and ‘balance’.
This photo is a harsh reminder of just how thin I had become, and how I craved losing at least another 1 -2 stone off this frame so I could look ‘good’. You can see my ribs sticking out through this dress. A quote my friend once said to me, was that ‘she could hang coat hangers off my collar bones’ they jutted out so much.
I remember it was my Nan’s birthday, and my parents had booked her an afternoon tea at a local cafe. Weeks ahead of the event, I was freaking out about what food I would have to eat, looking at the website online to see what food would be on offer so I could plan the day to a T, and balance my food throughout the week to accommodate. Instead of enjoying the celebration, I had a small bowl of soup, refusing to eat the cakes or sandwiches, because the soup was the ‘cleanest’ and ‘healthiest’ option with the least amount of calories. Looking back on it now, I wish more than anything I had eaten those cakes, I had celebrated my Nan’s birthday with her to the full, and not let my food and body demons win. Those moments I can’t get back now, but I can tell my story and hope it helps someone to seek the help that they may need.
I remember one of the fitness instructors in my gym approaching me during training to say how well I had done to lose the initial weight, but to look after myself & make sure I didn’t lose too much more. Other members I knew quite well too were saying similar things, but I just couldn’t see what they were on about. I thought I looked okay, but I still had a few more pounds to lose.
The lowest weight I reached was 98 pounds (7 stone).
I couldn’t go anywhere without my scales to track my weight. My boyfriend at the time (bless him, he had a rough version of me), had to put up with me weighing all my food at his, buying separate food to eat, not eating past 6pm (bear in mind he didn’t finish till 6, so we never ate together), having to sleep by 8pm as I was so hungry I couldn’t see straight & weighing myself every morning. An overnight stay for me meant a scramble to pack my food scales, weighing scales, food ‘I could eat’, ‘clean’ snacks, and gym stuff so I could train. It would take me about 1 – 2 hours to be fully prepped for an overnight stay at his, because I just couldn’t have even 1 day ‘off plan’.
Looking back on this now, it’s actually a really sad time in my life, but also a huge part of my story. I was so unwell for a long time, and I ended up seeking medical advice/help. If anything in what I have said here has triggered you, or resonates with tendencies/habits that you have, please see advice from a healthcare professional. It was the best thing that I ever did, and is something I will talk about in Part 2.
Lou xx
LJ: Healthy Mind & Body 